10.08.07

Attack of Crappy Movies

Posted in General at 9:33 pm by Nick

I’ve often heard things come in three’s, which has left me scared out of my mind for one reason lately. After sitting through the agony of Vacancy and The Tomb, I cannot stand another crappy movie!

Vacancy looked like a relatively promising, albeit somewhat unoriginal movie. With Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale, I thought it couldn’t be too bad if it was, at least they had two quality actors. Wow. I was so, so wrong. The best part is at the beginning when Luke Wilson maneuvers the car in a 180 degree turnaround to avoid hitting a raccoon. Yup, this movie is that lame. Luke and Kate fight through the whole movie, which I guess counts for plot development. However, if I wanted to listen to a married couple bicker I’d just take off my head phones while using my computer. I don’t want to pay money to watch other peoples paltry problems. The movie is predictable and unexciting. If you can, avoid watching this movie. On the other hand, if you have easily scared girls on hand, chances are they will still get freaked out by this movie, so if they want to rent it go ahead and let them.

The Tomb was quite possibly worse. It is supposedly based on HP Lovecraft’s book, which is why I thought it might be interesting. In short, it wasn’t. Two people are trapped in a warehouse with apparently no way to escape. Nothing tries to kill them, or hurt them. They find people who die within minutes of talking to them, apparently all having axe wounds that enable them to live for fixed periods of time. The end doesn’t make sense, and the main bad guy is repeatedly seen riding a horse. Whats the riddle? He wants them to guess his name! As far as I can tell, it has nothing to do with HP Lovecraft except that the main bad guy is supposedly obsessed with Lovecraft’s book. After seeing this movie, I have determined I must read The Tomb and see if there is any relation at all to this crappy movie. There is no excitement or drama, and any action is very lame. For a Lionsgate film, I was absolutely 100% disappointed. Whoever wrong this script was an idiot, and whoever decided to produce this film, let alone direct it, was insane.

Luckily these crappy movies were followed up by Apocalypto. This movie was very well done. The scenery is beautiful, the story incredible, and overall was a stunning (and brutally truthful) movie.

I think I’m done being a movie critic.

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