06.21.08
Another Day, Another Dream
Why does this always happen?
It has been many months. Almost a year, actually, since it has ever been like this. Not since I lived with the guys. Dwayne and I used to sit out on the porch for entire nights just talking. I’d go on walks with Paul and discuss things. I’d go on midnight walks with Lisa, and sometimes we would bring other people. And we would actually talk about meaningful things. But that all went away…
Tell me, is it true that it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? To have a taste of love is enchanting, and enlightening. But no one tells you that you can’t go back. You will miss it if it goes. If you never love at all you can’t miss it, but you don’t know how to fill that void within you.
I’ve wondered what I will miss the most. It hits me hard every time I go to McDonalds or Panera, and every time I talk to my coworkers. The evidence is everywhere. I may miss being in a relationship and having someone to hold onto, but there is something I miss more, and it takes me by surprise quite often. I miss being a dad. I miss doing stuff as a small family unit. Sure, it isn’t always fun, but its hard to find that type of satisfaction anywhere else. I will miss the little kids growing up around me. I will miss watching them learn new things. I will miss laughing and playing with them. It is yet another example of me rushing into life and being completely disappointed when it doesn’t move as fast as I would like. I have a feeling my own dad often feels this way, and this knowledge makes me deeply hurt and sad. Time only moves one direction, and thus, we move away more and more.
With that comes another realization: the faster I move the faster I get towards the end of the line. Back when school was in session I had a freshman ask me how I knew so much more then him even though we were the same age. I proceeded to tell him it was a difference of time, priority, and life events. As I think more and more, I realize the advice I give is only applicable to people like myself. I may tout many ways to get ahead in financial security, college, or other future goals, but what am I sacrificing? I know now that I would sacrifice my knowledge if it would send me back in time and give me a normal life these past few years. Talking with the other interns only makes me realize how much I have truly missed out on life in many respects.
I can’t help but wonder constantly now. It has been a while since I’ve been this curious and this thoughtful. Three hundred sixty three days together. And now… now its all over. What’s more is that the decision was made while I’m two hundred miles away from home, three hundred away from family, and isolated in a new town with a new job.
It occurred to me when I decided to buy some cigarillos and take them up to my watching post in the park – I am far along the journey back to who I used to be. Shifting from ENFJ to INTJ, the need to make sense out of everything… I don’t know if that is good or bad. I can’t help but feel that even though I am in the midst of civilization, with large towns on the horizon, people of all backgrounds and races coming and going over head, that I am alone here. There is no girl waiting for me back in Cedar Falls. There is no family there… just many friends who have slipped away in the steam of life. I have many friends at work, and a lot of resources to draw on, but when the work day is done I return to my home only to figure out what I should eat – alone. What I should do with my time – alone. I’ve never had so much time for myself.
I’m not complaining. It merely baffles me to have such a sudden abrupt change to my lifestyle. It’s the weekend and I’m at a loss. There is no computer for me to jump and check Facebook or other networking tools. I can’t call anyone to do anything. I’ve lost my interface with the world. I can sleep in, read, program, and explore. However, I don’t know where to go from here.
Something is missing. When feelings revert to this state it is obvious that something is missing. One stage of life has completed and another is beginning. I’m in transition from one meaningful experience to the next. I know this feeling. It is me being lost and losing my resolution of the future. It is me pondering existence and wondering what life will be like in a few years. Most importantly, it is me looking for something to fill this chasm I feel. I need to do something that means something to me. I’ve been thrust back into the wandering slipstream and I’m looking for something to hold on to. I watch so many people do so many great things, and I can’t help but want that as well.
I think, perhaps, when I get back to CF for good I will do two things. One, I will actively participate in more clubs. Computer Club sort of died last year, but I hope it will come about this year. I also hope to get more involved within the Economics Club. More importantly, I think I will get involved in the Big Brother, Big Sister mentor program (or its equivalent). I think it will help me evolve more as a person, and perhaps do someone else some good as well. And maybe, just maybe, it will satisfy my parental angst.
I do have some bigger decisions to make, however. I like it here, and it makes me wonder if I should work on completing my Computer Science degree as fast as possible. Dropping my second major would be a big deal, but it might be worth it. It is hard to say at this point. I’ve also considered transferring to the University of Minnesota, but that would never really happen. Most days I wish I could just work here full time and finish my degree eventually at the U of M.
Another day. Another dream.
Emily Cleveland said,
July 5, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Hey…
I honestly don’t know how to say it. I’m sorry. I know I hurt you, but I also know that I was hurting too. I struggled with the decision to let you go for weeks, after I talked to your brother who told me that he wasn’t going to tell me what to do, but when I told him I wanted to stay with you he kind of… I dunno. Didn’t seem to like that idea. Looking back on it I think that we really did move too fast. I think we wanted different things, and needed different things. I wanted to be a lot of your life, though not all of it, and going from all of it to practically nothing killed me. I don’t think that either of us was really happy with the relationship for quite some time, whether it was out of worry or anger, I’m not sure. I’m glad that you took the internship in MN, because it’s something that you needed to do to better yourself, and this was something I had to do to better me. I didn’t do this to hurt you, or to make you feel bad, and I’m not writing this now for that reason either. I just know that you don’t really want to talk about it, and that I’m not good with forming my words into sense-making conversations anyway. I really hope that you’re doing okay up there. I want you to know that you can call me (or get in touch someway) anytime you do want to talk. I’m up for it if you are. Sometimes things go wrong, and we just have to make the best out of it. Hey, it is what it is, eh? Look, I lost you because of my own choices, and I have to live with that. I do not, however, want to lose you as a friend, a voice of confidence, a shoulder to lean on, or in any other way. I want to still be here for you if you want me to be. You have my promise that you will always have a way to contact me in the chance that you want to talk to me. I will always be here, Nick. I’m sorry that I hurt you, that I gave you something like a family, something that you truly needed, and the took it away. I’m sorry that things worked out the way they did. I am not sorry though, that you have the chance at a new start. At a (when you are ready) new, healthy relationship. A chance at true happiness. I just need you to do one thing for me, and at the same time, for you. I need you to jump into something. Anything. I need you to stop looking, stop thinking. Just do something. Not everything takes planning, you can’t plan true happiness, true love, you can’t plan life. Let go. Know that you have many people who love you, who care about you (including me… this like this just don’t go away). They’ll catch you if it crashes. You’ll be okay, I trust that. You’ve made it this far, through so much hurt. I know you will make it. You’ll finish school, you’ll find someone, and you’ll make a great daddy someday. Don’t plan it. Let it happen. Let go. Just keep in touch.
Nicholas E. May said,
July 31, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I hear you, man. I was thinking about it just the other day–the quiet drifting away from people that occurs while one is busy learning the next new thing, or planning life, etc. You wake up one morning and realize that you never got around to hanging out with that person, or never made the time and it’s been a year or two. Or is that just me? Either way, being an INTJ has it’s price, to be sure.
Not having someone to come home to is a major downer, but it’ll work out. In the meantime, you do have a lot of time, surely there’s something you’d like to study or develop or a new habit you’d like to cultivate? I know it doesn’t hold a candle, but it’s better than nothing, no? Maybe finish some old projects, keep yourself busy until you’re back in CF?
Sounds like you have some good plans—getting more involved in CF, maybe hang out with some old friends while you’re there?
As for feeling lost, I know the feeling. I had a lot of trouble with that my freshman year of college. But now I have a variety of plans up my sleeve for the future and I’m doing much better. I have more direction now that I’ve found CS and programming and am taking a more active role in my future.
Have a good one and drop me a line sometime,
Nick May